


unsteady hands

by jjustjjay



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bokuaka - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:14:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26490985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjustjjay/pseuds/jjustjjay
Summary: akaashi's hands have always shaken. like the mere fact of him existing was a crushing weight that he mentally couldn't hold, so it extended to a physical coping. it wasn't something so easily dismissed either. people would glance between him and his hands and ask, "why are you trembling? are you scared"akaashi would think, 'no, i'm not scared. even though this isn't normal and the staring is starting to freak me out.'
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Kudos: 57





	unsteady hands

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS ; descriptions of violence , descriptions of bone dislocation , description of panic attacks , mentions of bipolar disorder , mentions of drugs , mentions of abuse. (i promise this fic ends happy) 
> 
> be safe when you read !! <3

the first incident akaashi can remember, happened in a grocery store.

his mother so delicately held a teacup. because " _we're moving, keiji. wouldn't it be nice to have some new dishes?"_ which akaashi cant really have a say on, because he's eight and doesn't understand the fundamentals of why they need to move away. but he heard mother and father yelling last night, glass shattering made the walls shake. now his father wasn't here. even if akaashi couldn't really understand why, he at least had an idea.

akaashi held his hands behind his back as he walked further down the aisle. despite not being near the frozen section, akaashi still shivered. his eyes gently scanned over the option of bowls, plates, and cups. he was maybe only a little bored. because his mother promised they would stop to eat afterwards and he was starting to get impatient.

"keiji, dear. come here and tell me if you like this pattern." his mother smiled as best she could as he wandered back towards her. she held the cup out, letting him press his fingers carefully too it. her attention turned towards the buzzing cellphone in her back pocket. and suddenly the delicate tea cup was placed in akaashi's shaking hands.

in a matter of seconds the cup had fallen and smashed against the floor. akaashi cried out as porcelain spilled over the titled floor. other strangers in the aisle looked towards him, his mother whipped around faster then he knew she could.

"keiji!" she started. it sounded aggressive and akaashi flinched back on instinct. "why would you do that!?"

the eight year old could feel others eyes glued to him. he wiped at his eyes with his sleeve, shook his head gently and tried his best to get an apology out. but it was only small noises and mumbled words that fell past his lips.

his mother did not seem happy.

she shoved the cellphone in her pocket and stomped off to find someone to help clean the mess. leaving akaashi to stand quietly in shame, with his head bowed and silent tears falling against the floor.

when akaashi has calmed down, and his mother continued to press for answers as to why he did that. he told her, _my hands won't stop shaking,_ and _mom, it wasn't my fault. look they won't stop!_ his mother only squeezed his fingers and took a different turn then the one that went home.   
  


"essential tremor." the doctor called it. clipboard in her hand, and a sigh resting against her tongue.

akaashi continued to start at the floor. his hands folded in his lap, clutched as hard as he could because that sometimes settles the shaking.

"it's nothing too serious. it's only staying in his hands for now, but could move to other body parts. or even his tongue and throat, later in life. i recommended medication or physical therapy to keep it-"

"we can't afford those." his mother cut the doctor off. there was a sharp edge to her words and the room fell into silence after. "his father isn't around to pay child support, and i don't have insurance."

"oh," the doctor says. "well i can give you a sheet that has exercises that may help. would you want that?"

akaashi looks to his mother. she nods and he almost feels relieved. 

it's five years later that the shaking hasn't calmed and akaashi's mother is slowly losing her humanity.

she leaves at late hours and returns at early mornings. typically, passes out on the couch smelling of alcohol.

akaashi is thirteen years old by now. he's sure to keep care of his mother, clean the house and make meals. he ships himself off for school, makes his own lunches, tries his best to keep any job he can find as a thirteen year old, and makes sure the house doesn't always smell of old alcohol.

" _mother is sick,"_ akaashi tells himself. as if that's an excuse as to why she slowly fell from her 'mother' role. but akaashi tries not to mind.

the factor of sick is only proven when akaashi is dusting the bedside table in her room. he pulls open a drawer, expecting to find a mess of random papers and such. but instead finds two yellow bottles with small white pills inside. ' _antipsychotic'_ the bottle says. and akaashi looks it up later on his computer.

' _antipsychotic is used to treat conditions such as bipolar. the medication reduces or improves the symptoms.'_

the pill bottle was full, akaashi notes. if his mother was suppose to be taking the medication, she wasn't. even then, akaashi doesn't bring it up. it's not his business. he shouldn't be worried. because his mother is an adult and she can handle herself. if she is in trouble she would ask for help, akaashi is sure of it   
  


sitting in the room that his grandparents had given him, akaashi cries.

his hands shake as they grasp the quilt beneath. he's back is towards the door, he faces the wall while sitting on the bed. akaashi bites his lip hard while tears drop gently from his face. it's cold, his head hurts, and he can hear his grandparents yelling in their room down the hall. it makes him feel like an eight year old again. living in that house, with his parents arguing whenever they got the chance. in that place that no longer belongs to him or his mother.

 _his mother, oh his poor mother._ akaashi wants to feel pity for her, but it's so overwhelmed by sadness and confusion. at the age of fifteen akaashi understands why he should of brought up the pills. his mother wasn't taking them. she needed to be taking them and akaashi was to sure she was okay, that he didn't bring it up. and now she was being placed in a special hospital where she could slow climb her way back to sanity.

akaashi cries because he feels like it's his fault.

"he's a freak just like her and you know it!"

akaashi pauses with a hiccup. the yelling down the hall is more clear now. his grandparents must of moved into the living room. akaashi sits still and listens.

"shush, he might hear you." his grandmother says more quietly.

"i don't care, abe. that shaking thing of his ain't normal, he should know it. it'll only cause him to be outcasted."

"i'm sure he knows. but we don't need to be giving him a hard time right now. go work on that damn car of yours, will you? i'm going to talk to keiji."

his grandpa grunts, and it goes quiet. akaashi sits weirdly still while he awaits his grandmother's appearance. but it doesn't come, and he isn't called for dinner either.

which akaashi is a bit thankful for. he doesn't want to try and eat with what his grandpa had said early sitting heavy in his head. _a freak._ he had said. _he'll only be outcasted._ yeah, akaashi guesses he was right. no one else trembled like he did.

akaashi took a deep breath while laying down. he wasted his energy crying. now curled up into himself, where he could lean his head down and touch his chin to his knee's, akaashi fell asleep.   
  
  


"akaashi, your test scores are amazing. but your handwriting needs improvement. your teachers are having trouble reading what you are trying to write." the principal explains.

akaashi shifts uncomfortably in the chair. he knows his handwriting is terrible, but he can't help it. even his condition is listed on official forms that he turned into the school before he started middle school. akaashi doesn't know what the principal wants him to do about it.

"next year will be your first year of high school. there is a writing tutor i can suggest you too if you'd like, but i strongly recommend."

and akaashi just nodded.   
  


high school wasn't near as bad as akaashi thought it would be. other students seemed to already have friend groups, since they may of selected this school beforehand together. any first year that don't have friend groups quickly get adopted into them. akaashi ignores any looks his way, doesn't try to make contact with anyone, and keeps his face deadpanned as always. so far no one has tried to talk to him. (which _is_ a win in akaashi's book.)

his first day almost went perfectly. if it wasn't for the weirdo in the gym that called out to him. he was trying to walk home after meeting with the writing tutor. (who was sweet but he seemed a little frustrated.) the guy spotted akaashi from inside the gym while akaashi tried to walk past. and was at the doorway in a matter of seconds, leaving akaashi stilled and awkward.

"you don't happen to play volleyball, do you?" the guy asked. he had weird hair, akaashi doesn't know if he likes it or not. it's black at the roots and goes into white, and spikes up like it's personally trying to prove gravity wrong.

akaashi shakes his head and the guy frowns.

"could you maybe set for me anyways? everyone on the team has already gone home and i don't have anyone to practice with!" the guy shouts in disbelief.

akaashi doesn't think about his shaking hands. because this guy's whole being wont let him think of anything else. he nods in agreement, and flinches back a bit when the guy jumps up in excitement.

"awesome! it's pretty easy, just keep it high and a little close to the net. that's just where i like it!" he skips happily to the basket of volleyballs. "just stand there, yep! i'll toss it to you, you set it up, and i'll hit it over the net okay? sounds easy enough right!?"

akaashi nods.

he doesn't think about his shaking hands until the ball is in the air and heading towards him. and he panics for a split second, because he isn't going to be able to set the ball, then he'll have to explain why he can't, and the guy will give him a weird look while asking him to leave the gym.

the ball touches akaashi's fingertips faster then he would of liked. he can't take any time to think about the shaking, about how he'll mess this up. because the ball is flying away quicker then it fell onto his fingers.

the guy misses the spike, but he doesn't seem to blame akaashi for it. even if the ball went right above where the guy swung his hand.

he laughs if off, "i didn't expect you to do it perfectly first try. don't look so upset! we'll just try again!!"

the guy grabs another ball and tosses it into the air. akaashi stares at it as it's falling down, his hands are already in position. the spiker guy is probably staring at him but akaashi hopes he doesn't notice the shaking hands. he feels the ball push against his fingers, and then it's gone. the spiker hits it this time. and the sound of it slamming against the floor and then the wall echoes across the gym.

"that was amazing!" akaashi thinks the guy his talking about his own spike. but he turns, smiles big and wide at him, and gives him a thumbs up. "that was only your second time setting for me! are you sure you weren't a spiker before? that was perfect!"

akaashi doesn't dare blush, or show any emotion. he only nods a bit and says a quiet thanks.

the two keep at it for an hour. it's dark outside the gym, but akaashi doesn't think his grandparents worry much about his whereabouts.

"wow, i'm starting to get tired!" the guy shouts out and wipes his forehead with the back of his hands. perfectly still, akaashi notices, his hands are steady and still. he crosses his arms and beams up at akaashi. "you're a good setter. you should join the team, our other setter left last year and the new one we have doesn't really know what he is doing."

akaashi pauses to think about it. he looks down at his hands, staring at the way they shake. and thinks, _i only touch the ball for spilt seconds, the shaking doesn't mess me up._ then he looks up to the spiker, who is already looking at him, and nods his head.

"okay. i'll sign up tomorrow."

the spiker punches his fist in the air as celebration.

"my name is bokuto koutarou, by the way!"

"akaashi keiji."

(later, when akaashi lays in bed trying to sleep, he thinks about how bokuto didn't give him funny looks about his shaking. he thinks, _bokuto-san kept staring at me, he must of noticed the shaking, but he didn't ask me what's wrong, he didn't tell me to leave, he didn't give me any looks of judgment. just kept smiling and asked me to set another._ akaashi holds his hands up in the darkness. even then, he can see the trembling. he presses his hands to his chest and doesn't mind thinking that this could be a good year.)  
  


the first day akaashi shows up at volleyball practice, he walks into the locker rooms. bokuto was clearly talking to everyone else about something but he shuts up when someone taps him on the shoulder and glances over at akaashi standing in the doorway.

bokuto turns and smiles, "akaashi!" he shouts out and bounds towards the first year. he slings and arm around akaashi's shoulders, "this is the team. guys! this is going to be our new setter!!"

"i thought i was the setter?" someone else says and akaashi immediately feels bad for taking this guys place.

"anahori, you shy away from the ball every time it comes at you." someone else says and shoves and elbow into the other setter's shoulder. anahori, the setter who doesn't know what he's doing, rubs his shoulder and shoves the guy away with his free hand.

"i didn't want to be starting setter anyways but you don't have to be so mean!"

akaashi feels a little bit more better after that.

"stop fighting you two, set a good example! now everyone introduce yourselves because i have a feeling akaashi is going to be around for a little while."   
  


bokuto was more or less, right. akaashi not only found that volleyball is something he can do without messing it up, but it's also lots of fun. (when you're not doing 100 servers each practice because coach felt your accuracy was a little off.) the court and people around him started to feel more like home then any place has ever felt. if his teammates noticed the shaking, they didn't comment on it. no one stared at him in a judging way, no one asked him if he was scared or nervous, no one did second glances. everyone acted as if akaashi's condition was not even present. akaashi was thankful for it. especially with how much he hears about it his grandparents house. (two years after moving there and he stills doesn't like calling it his house. nor does he call it home.)

"could you stop shaking for once? the chopsticks are clinking against the bowl and it's driving me crazy!" his grandfather had yelled one night. staring him down with something that can only be described as anger and annoyance. akaashi carefully set the silverware down. he clasped his hands together and hid them under the table.

"sorry," he mumbled. and that was the end of that. his grandmother awkwardly staring at her food and not speaking up about it. akaashi stopped hoping she would intervene. she never did in fear her husband would go crazy and start yelling at her too.

akaashi decided he was done eating. thanked his grandmother, placed the food that was left in a container, and left to his room. his grandfather didn't yell at him all the time, but when he did akaashi's nervous increased and the shaking worsened. now seemed to be one of those time.

he has a specific playlist made to help calm him down. but its worth jackshit if he can't pick up his own phone. akaashi's afraid he'll drop it and shatter the screen, which has already happened twice and even now his grandfather feels the need to bring that up at random times.

akaashi can feel the steady hold of a panic attack. he tries his best not to think about it, blinks at the wall in front of him and thinks about how he has a project due in biology, or that bokuto said they would do spikes tomorrow after practice because he had to practice his straight shot. akaashi thinks about how the spring nationals is coming up, and immediately regrets it because that only makes the anxiety flare up.

his breathing falls shallow. the only sensation he can feel is the shaking in his hands, akaashi refuse to acknowledge the sudden tears dripping down his cheeks. he tucks his knees to his chest, hugs them tight. squeezes his hands hardly against his legs.

"stop it," he whispers, desperate and angry. "please stop shaking so much."

akaashi pleads. the condition isn't hurting him physically, but it's taking a toll on him emotionally. it's causing others to see him in a different light, it's causing himself to bash at his own confidence. akaashi is crumbling under they weight of this. like he's standing behind glass, and everyone takes turns throwing bricks at it. trying to shatter him to the ground.

and _why._ akaashi asks. he can't control it, everyone should know by now that he can't control the shaking. he can't help but drop things, have messy hand writing, clink things together when trying to eat, spill water on himself while trying to drink. it's all out of his reach and everyone acts as if akaashi can suddenly stop. they think, _maybe pressuring him will finally make him go normal. maybe if we continue to point it out he'll notice how weird it is and force himself to stop._ akaashi wants to scream at that. he knows how weird it is. he deals with it everyday, he sees the looks people gives him, and how each word they speak when they ask if with pity and curiosity. he knows. and yet, everyone continues to press down on him.

akaashi keeps his head down even when the crying stops. his hands are sore from how tightly he clenched them shut.

he hears the tv from the living room.

"stop it _,"_ he says to himself. " _stop looking at me like i'm a disappointment or i might fall apart like my mother did."_

the thought alone makes him shiver. akaashi turns to sleep instead of thinking anymore.  
  


akaashi is slow and sluggish the next morning. he decides to skip breakfast, because the shaking hasn't calmed down as much as he'd like. and akaashi's grandfather would surely throw a fit about him clinking things together again.

the day passes slowly. the classes seemed to extended past the normal time of an hour, instead feeling like they lasted three or more.

if they didn't have a practice match against karasuno today, akaashi would have skipped practice. but bokuto seemed so excited to show hinata the attack him and akaashi have been working on, he couldn't leave.

so akaashi stood alone in the locker rooms. changing from school clothes to his volleyball uniform, with the practice jersey over top it. he feels off. more disconnected then not. akaashi thinks, _maybe i'm dissociating._ his eyes focus and unfocus, his hands shake and clutch the school uniform jacket, he can hear people entering the gym and wants to slap himself. _pull yourself together,_ akaashi squeezes his hands tighter, _someone might see you._

the door to the locker room's opens, the handle bang against the cement wall. akaashi almost yelps but stiffens instead. he doesn't turn around, akaashi's afraid he might be crying.

someone's hand lands on his shoulder. akaashi feels to deep in dissociation to hear what they're saying. but he thinks he has to do something to let them know he's okay. akaashi wants to move something. he wants to focus his eyes and look at the person who is trying to comfort him— or whatever they are trying to do. he wants to speak, tell them _it's okay, please stop touching me._ akaashi feel's his heart skip a beat, his chest constricts, and for a second akaashi feels like he forgets how to breath.

and then every realization of reality bleeds back into him. his eyes suddenly focus in, he's staring at the ground, akaashi's ears take in the sound going on around him. everything rushes back so quickly it becomes overwhelming. akaashi focuses in on the hand still clasped to his shoulder.

he rips away from the touch and stumbles away, only to smash against the lockers with his shoulder. akaashi's knees buckle and he crashes against the ground. his legs spread out in front of him, and he's suddenly very aware of just how badly his hands are shaking.

akaashi stares at them and want to scream. why won't they stop, they never stop shaking and akaashi cant understand why it had to happen to him. the condition wasn't terrible but the bullying that came along with it was.

"akaashi?" there's a quiet voice and akaashi suddenly remembers there was someone in here with him. he looks up. and has never felt more apologetic towards someone.

sugawara, the third-year setter, looks at him with something close to worry. his hand is still up, even after akaashi slipped away and crashed into lockers like some rabid animal trying to escape a trap. he frowns and looks back towards his hands. this was not how he wanted to meet the setter for a second time.

"are you okay?" sugawara asks and comes to sit down in front of akaashi. wary to not touch him, but he does look questioningly at akaashi's hands. "i didn't mean to freak you out. are your....hands okay?"

"yes i-.." akaashi swallows nervously. he's so sick of answering that damn question. people never fail to look at him with such pity afterwards. "it's a. . . condition, i have. nothing worth worrying over."

sugawara nods for a couple seconds and then says, "what did you freak out about, then? that cant be linked to shaky hands."

akaashi pauses for a second. no one asks follow up questions. then again no one has seen him break down like that. but after answering with 'a condition' they stop and link that to any other problems he shows.

"um, it's, uh. . ." he hasn't really thought about it. he can't place what did cause the freak out. akaashi has just felt weird all day, most likely due to last nights breakdown. it was _tiring._ how come he cant keep himself together? two breakdowns not even 24 hours apart. he's such a disaster. akaashi's in high school, he should be able to handle all this but he—

"you should sit out for today, akaashi. i won't force you to tell me what's bothering you but you seem so tense. you need a break." sugawara says quietly while picking at his volleyball shorts.

akaashi stares at his shaking hands before squeezing them together into a tight fist. he does that a lot, akaashi realizes. it cant look weirder then the shaking though.

akaashi doesn't mean too, but he falls apart. suddenly burdening sugawara with everything that's been going on. but sugawara only sits and listens. and if someone tried to enter the locker room, only for the third year setter to shoo them away, neither of them mention it.

"i apologize," akaashi says and wipes his nose with the back of his hand. "i didn't mean to make you listen to my problems."

"no no, it's alright. you probably haven't told anyone that stuff, huh?" sugawara is giving him a soft look. but it's quick to break into a smile once akaashi nods. "then i'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me. even if we don't know each other well. setter to setter! and i promise i won't tell anyone anything unless you give me the okay."

"i appreciate it a lot, sugawara-san. i apologize again though-"

sugawara knocks his foot against akaashi's, "no need to apologize, and just call me suga okay? now, do you want to practice with us or should i threaten anyone that tries to enter the locker rooms?"

akaashi breaths a laugh and nods. "i'd rather sit here for a little while. take time to collect my thoughts."

suga hums in agreement and stands up, "i won't let a soul in here until you're ready. i'll come check on you in a bit okay?"

he leaves without letting akaashi answer. in the gym, akaashi can hear quiet murmurs of conversation. he's really thankful for suga. it feels nice to speak to someone about his worries, and suga is always so composed and understanding. akaashi takes a deep breath. for once, he feels okay.   
  


it's only an hour later that he hears someone coming into the locker room. akaashi is a bit confused, because suga had come in not even ten minutes ago to ask if he was feeling better. akaashi continues to stare at the ground, and stiffens a bit when he recognizes their shoes.

"bokuto-san?" akaashi finally looks up. and there bokuto is, standing with such good posture, relaxed and sweaty. he looks worried but still wears a small smile.

"suga told us you weren't feeling the best and threatened to whack us with a chair if we tried to come in here," he sits criss-cross on the floor in front of akaashi. "but i managed to distract him and sneak my way in."

that, is almost endearing, in a strange bokuto way. akaashi sniffs a bit and nods. he doesn't want bokuto to see him this way. with his terrible shaking hands, red and puffy face, looking so uncollected. but bokuto looks at him like he looks at him every day. with a small look of love overlaid with worry in his eyes.

"don't get caught. i wouldn't want suga-san to hit you with a chair." his voice is as monotone as ever. where people can't tell he's joking, bokuto can. he throws his head back in laughter. his eyes crinkle, his laugh booms throughout the locker room, and akaashi feels just a little bit better.

"that wouldn't be to good, would it?" bokuto jokes back.

they fall into a comfortable silence. teetering on the edge of uncomfortable, because akaashi can see the questions on bokuto's lips, and he doesn't want to have to answer them all. akaashi wants nothing more then to be sleeping right now. without the embarrassment and pressing of answers.

"are you okay now?"

"yeah," akaashi pauses. he doesn't feel very okay but he is distracted. that's close enough. "i think i am."

bokuto frowns, "are you sure?"

how is it that bokuto can suddenly see right through him. akaashi always figured he was hard to read, he made himself to be that way. but bokuto always seemed to peer right through that act. akaashi hates it. he hates even more how he can see bokuto glance quickly at his hands. tucked into his lap and shaking like always.

"i. . ." akaashi trails off. he wishes he didn't do that. he wishes he didn't stop sentence like that, and let bokuto thinks he's right. (bokuto is right but it doesn't make it any less annoying.) 

"you know the first day i saw you, and noticed how much your hands shook, i thought you were just cold." bokuto starts and akaashi already can see where this conversation is going. "but every time i saw you, they were always like that. the day you joined the team i made sure they wouldn't ask you about it until you were ready to talk about it. i'm guessing you get questions like that a lot, huh? people are so noisy and i just wanted you to be comfortable."

okay. . . akaashi stares at his spiker in shock. that wasn't really where he thought it was going. bokuto did that? for him?

"i never thought of you as weird. you're so awesome and cool, and your sets are always perfect, you look so collected, so unfazed by everything. i thought it was amazing how you can be so quiet and control your emotions. i think a lot more of you then just shaky hands."

now akaashi is totally lost.

"it's not something you can control, you know. we all have stuff like that, that we wish we could hide away but it seems like everyone knows you for it."

bokuto is definitely speaking from experience. he does have a reputation of being loud, maybe a bit moody. but bokuto is also well-liked by people and akaashi just, isn't. he cant be loud and open like bokuto can.

"there is a lot more to you then this, akaashi." bokuto hands press lightly against his. his guard falls, his palms open, and bokuto presses his own palms against his. his hands are warm, akaashi realizes. and he relishes in the feeling and touch. his hands still shaking but bokuto doesn't seem to mind. "you're so much more.."

"jeez bokuto-san, did you read shakespeare or something?"

bokuto laughs again and his hands fly away from akaashi so he can cover his face with them. "so mean! i was just trying to help!"

akaashi smiles, "you did help. thank you."

bokuto just smiles in return.   
  


it's during akaashi's second year that he realizes his feelings for bokuto. its a long process, full of denial. because first akaashi had to take into account that he liked a guy, but then realized it didn't even matter because he never really liked anyone anyways. this shouldn't be such a change that scares him. even after realizing he might like boys, it took awhile to confirm it was bokuto that awoke those feelings. once he accidentally walked into bokuto's back, his hands flying up and pressing against his friends back along with his face. akaakshi doesn't want to admit he lingered there longer then he should of just because he could feel bokuto's back muscles. (he backed away really quick when he thought about how good bokuto's back would look with scratch marks. and then akaashi realized he wanted to have scratch marks too, and thats how he figured out he was a switch.)

akaashi swears not to act on any feelings. bokuto has yet to provide confirmation that he may possibly feel the same way. plus, akaashi already knows something like a relationship would maybe distract bokuto from volleyball. which could ruin his chance on getting into college with a sports scholarship. akaashi instead stays sexually and emotionally frustrated.

besides the whole _i'm-gay-but-specifically-for-the-volleyball-captain_ realization, akaashi is once again struggling at home. not only has his grandfather resorted to smacking him every time he gets annoyed, akaashi has found that he feels overbearingly lonely. which is dumb for two reasons. one, he goes to school everyday surrounded by people. two, he has friends. there isn't a reason to feel so alone. (the feeling getting so overwhelming akaashi had to learn how to shut himself down, basically like bokuto's emo mode except he literally turns of all emotion and doesn't allow himself to feeling anything. akaashi hasn't learned how to turn that off, to where he can feel again, but it usually goes away after he sleeps.)

bokuto starts talking about nationals way to often. it leaves akaashi to think way to much. he wonders what bokuto will do if they lose, where he will go, if he'll stay in touch or visit. akaashi isn't known for thinking negative, but he isn't known for thinking positive either. the thought of bokuto promising to stay in touch and not living up to that, scares him. scares akaashi so bad that the shaking gets worse and his panic attacks get close to becoming a nightly thing. it would be so much easier to talk about it with bokuto, akaashi's rationality tries to reason. but it's shot down pretty quick. there is no telling what bokuto will do, even if he promises. plans change, he might find a better setter or best friend. bokuto is spontaneous like that.

well, whatever happens, it's akaashi's damn fault for getting to attached. it's easier to avoid people rather then avoid days of leaving when said people become titled "friends". akaashi hates it with a passion.

he sighs and shuts the laptop, deciding that trying to write an essay now would be useless anyways. akaashi would just stare at the screen for hours on end without any idea how to even continue the damn thing. akaashi would argue that second-years have it little more rough then third-years. especially if they are a student like akaashi who is taking all AP classes, doing all his big tests and SAT's this year instead of next. it doesn't allow him to graduate early, he doesn't really want too, but it gets him ahead. next akaashi will only be required to do extra credits he may need, and he can take classes at the college to gain credits early. (also he might possibly get classes with bokuto if the idiot can make it past first year of college.)

akaashi isn't real sure why he is thinking so negative right now. they haven't lost, if they do bokuto still has a couple months of school left anyways. he'll just have to take advantage of the time they have left.

"akaashi!" his grandfather is yelling from the kitchen. akaashi's face falls into worry, he's only ever called out of his room if he is in trouble, so this can't be good. akaashi grabs his phone and already has the 'calm down' playlist pulled up. he's prepared for the panic attack, at least. he walks into the kitchen to see his grandfather standing near the cabinet, fingers tracing over the stacked plates as he counts them.

"yes?" akaashi says, because his grandfather clearly didn't see him come in. he doesn't jump in surprise or anything. he just turns around quick, looking angry, and jabs a thumb at the cabinet behind him.

"there is only 13 plates. did you break one without telling?"

with akaashi's condition, its difficult to hold things. his hand writing sucks, and he always either throws or drops something on accident. so yes, he knows he accidentally broke the plate.

he nods.

"what have i told you about breaking things? you have to get that freak thing of yours under control, its ridiculous. we aren't going to have any plates by the end of the month!"

which akaashi almost rolls his eyes too. he breaks things but not that often, this is only the third plate this year and its september. instead of talking back he nods again and issues an apology. he thinks, _he didn't yell that much. that's good._ until his grandfather grabs his wrist and turns him around, twisting it in an unpleasant way. akaashi winces and tries to pull away, but his grandfather keeps his grip tight.

"you figure this shit out or so help me i will send you to the place your mother went to rot in." he squeezes akaashi's wrist tighter. the skin turns white, his circulation cuts off, but it still shakes. his grandfather stares at it with nothing but rage and squeezes even tighter. his thumb almost touching his pointer finger with how hard he is crushing akaashi's wrist.

"stop it!" akaashi cries and tries to pull away. if his grandfather keeps this up, his wrist will break and he wont be able to play volleyball. he wont be able to play with bokuto ever again. "you're hurting me!"

akaashi is sure his wrist popped, probably dislocated, but his grandfather doesn't even blink. he stares akaashi right in his eyes, smiling. he's _smiling,_ and akaashi thinks, _this man is a psychopath._

akaashi makes a decision, and does something he will definitely feel bad about later. he grabs an uncleaned mug from the counter, and hits his grandfather in the head with it. hard enough to make it shatter, not hard enough to make him bleed.

"you brat! you'll regret that!" his grandfather recoils and lets go of his wrist, but doesn't waste another second trying to grab after akaashi again. akaashi is quick though, he ducks and when his grandfather trips over his own feet he holds his wrist still and sprints for the front door. if he stays here, he'll end up with something actually broken. he runs down the wet sidewalk as he grandfather's shouts chase after him. akaashi doesn't spare him a glance, he keeps running. he runs until his arm gets tired from holding his runs, until his legs almost give up. akaashi runs until he is sure he is okay. (which is probably far.)

he settles on a bench at a park. while catching his breath, he checks his wrist. it's swollen by now and splashed with purple, yellow, and blue, like some watercolor canvas. akaashi tries to move it but struggles to even turn his wrist over. this isn't good, he can't set for bokuto if his wrist is dislocated. or worse, broken. this is their last year together and akaashi's grandpa ruined it all because he can't feel even the slightest big of empathy. akaashi feels rage wash over him, he takes back his early thought of feeling bad and wishes to go back so he can slam the mug harder into his grandfather's dumb head.

it's raining, and akaashi thinks, _how cliche._ he sits in the rain, with a dislocated wrist, heart broken and betrayed. his mother wasn't suppose to leave him, his father shouldn't have left her first. everyone in akaashi's life has either left or betrayed him. hell, his grandmother wont even look him in the eye anymore. akaashi wants to cry and he wants to be sent into a panic attack so he can feel something other then the throbbing pain in his wrist. but his brain shuts off his emotions before he can process them. akaashi just sits silently in the rain and tries to think of what the hell to do.

first he considers going back. because he doesn't have anywhere else to go, but his grandfather is surely furious. so akaashi would either have to wait until dark to sneak back into his room and leave early in the morning, or he would just deal with his grandfather's shit so he has a place to sleep. another option is going to the hospital. explain what happened, ask if he can stay for a little bit, and possibly deal with leaving bokuto early to live in a foster home. (he rules that out pretty quick.) then akaashi starts thinking about bokuto. how he could lie to him about what happened so bokuto would take him to the hospital. he'll ask to stay the night and figure the rest out tomorrow. yeah, akaashi settles on that idea and pulls his phone out to call bokuto.   
  
  
  
  
  


bokuto arrives not even ten minutes later. frantically shuffling akaashi in the car so he can take him to a hospital. he asks what happened, and akaashi explains he was out running and fell down. (which doesn't add up because akaashi isn't in running clothes and who decides to go running in the pouring rain like a psycho.) bokuto doesn't think too much about the lying part and just takes akaashi to the hospital instead. akaashi makes bokuto sit in the waiting room, despite his protests, while he goes to get an x-ray. the doctor comes out only a little bit later, looking hesitant. and akaashi starts wishing she wont give anything away.

"it's just a dislocation, we just have to push it back into place." the doctor explains. akaashi nods and bokuto slumps down his seat relieved. "however. . . based on the bruising around your wrist, and where the dislocation occurred, it could have only been caused by someone forcefully squeezing it."

akaashi goes stiff. he sees bokuto turn to look at him in his peripheral, but ignores him in favor of listening to the doctor.

"if it's okay with you, i'd like to ask you questions about your school and home life. we can move somewhere more private if you prefer. .?" the doctor eyes bokuto for a second. but akaashi shakes his head, he doesn't know why. because he planned on lying to bokuto about the incident for the rest of his life, but he declines the offer anyways.

the doctor starts with questions about akaashi's school life. bokuto already knows nothing happens to him there, because they are together so often no one would be able to get away with it. but she switches to family questions and that's where akaashi hesitates.

"records say your mother is in the hospital? how old were you when she was put there?"

akaashi answers truthfully because they probably have that answer already. he hates how the doctor is giving away information akaashi hasn't even told bokuto yet.

"you're living with your grandparents? how are they?"

that's where akaashi takes the longest pauses. there isn't a point of lying, he reminds himself, not with bokuto sitting right next to him.

"um. . . my grandfather. . yells sometimes. this is the first time he's gotten physical. well not actually, he sometimes slaps my hands but that doesn't hurt bad. my grandmother is usually quiet." akaashi shifts, his sentences were slow. not giving away too much information, but at least getting down the basics.

"so he did do this?" bokuto asks quietly, but akaashi ignores him.

the doctor glances towards his hands and nods to herself. "right, you have essential tremor. diagnosed but not on medication or physical therapy. i'm guessing, with the environment you're in, and since you probably don't have a job, you can't afford those?"

akaashi shakes his head. he should of gone somewhere private, bokuto is looking at him with such a sad look it hurts. then he's looking at his hands. one wrapped in an ice pack, the other out and shaking like it always does. akaashi wants to start laughing and saying it was all some elaborate prank, just because of how sad bokuto looks right now.

"i see. since you aren't eighteen yet, i can't be much help. you'll have to wait to get any treatment. as for the household you live in, you'll have to go into foster care."

"he can live with me." bokuto says. it was meant for the doctor, but he's staring right at akaashi.

akaashi eyes widened, "absolutely not. you graduate this year and i will not be a burden to your parents nor will i be keeping you from going to college. i am fine where i am-"

"no you're not! look at what your grandfather did to you akaashi! your wrist is practically broken, and he's been hurting you for so long! do you not see how big of a problem that is? you're staying with with me and that's final." bokuto crosses his arms and stares right into akaashi's eyes. for a moment, akaashi is too shocked to say anything. his face twists into something and he argues back,

"i'm not staying with you and your parents, bokuto-san. i appreciate the thought but really i can't intrude like that."

"i have my own apartment, akaashi."

akaashi freezes so quick that he's sure his blood even stopped pumping for a second. he looks towards bokuto, who only smiles softly.

"i've decided to do university here, i didn't want to be too far from you. my parents and i finalized the apartment papers just the other day. i wanted to surprise you first but. . . please akaashi. you can't stay in that household, and i need a roommate anyways."

akaashi's mouth open and closes. he catches the doctor looking at them with a smile, and he almost feels embarrassed. "are you. . sure? you want me to live with you?"

"of course! it'll be fun!"

he takes another moment to think about it, but then he nods. "okay. i'll live with you."

bokuto beams at him.

the doctor clears her throat, "now we have that out of the way. why don't we go get that bone in place, yeah? it's going to hurt but i'll give you painkillers beforehand."

akaashi and bokuto follow after the doctor into a sterile white room. akaashi takes a seat on the hospital bed, anxiously waiting and trying to suppress his shaking hands. bokuto sits close to him, in a way of comfort.

nurses file into the room, the doctor gives akaashi painkillers, and then tells him to prepare for some pain. bokuto takes akaashi's other hand and holds it tightly. holds it like akaashi is normal, and not shaking. holds it like he loves him. somehow that becomes a big enough distraction for akaashi to pay almost no attention to the pain. it still pops, and he feels ligament scrape against ligament. but akaashi is so wrapped up in the way bokuto so lovingly holds his hand, he doesn't even scream.   
  


"you're being weirdly calm about this."

bokuto had said. watching as akaashi ate quietly. sitting in the pretty much empty apartment. having their food placed on cardboard boxes. bokuto should _not_ have said that. because akaashi suddenly dropped his chopsticks, stared at the bowl with such sadness and fear that it would probably break if the stare got anymore intense. akaashi stiffed a sob, bokuto reached out to touch his shoulder, and then akaashi broke.

he wished there was a real table here so he could slam his hand into it. instead, akaashi sobbed loud and high pitched liked a child, dug his hands in his hair, and stared at the ground. all the while bokuto watched with wide, worried eyes.

"i can't do it," he whispered harshly. more to himself then anyone. "i can't deal with the shaking and the insults that come with it! i can't deal with pressure, i can't deal with making you stay put in this dumbass city, i can't! bokuto you have to move out of this apartment and go to a good university! please, i can't limit you to stay here!" akaashi sniffs, but he recoils when he sees the look bokuto is giving him. he goes back to quiet crying and not daring to look bokuto in the eye.

"i have the final say." bokuto starts after moments of silence. "you can sit here and wallow in guilt, or you can be happy i'm staying. akaashi nothing you could say will make me go. i chose to stay here and i chose for a good reason, i'm not leaving no matter how much you want me too."

"i don't want you to leave." akaashi almost adds an insult at the end of that, but he leaves it out. "but i don't want you throwing away opportunities because of me either."

"there is no better opportunity then the ones i can have with you." bokuto smiles at him. soft, steady, still. akaashi looks at his hands, at himself. and thinks the opposite.

"akaashi keiji!" bokuto sits up straighter. his whole mood has changed, he's smiling bright and wide. he doesn't look serious like earlier, the creases of his face have smoothed out. "i want to stay here because i love you. no matter how many breakdowns you have, no matter how insecure of your shaky hands you are, i will always love you."

akaashi almost chokes. out of all things, he wasn't expecting a confession. minutes must have passed since bokuto suddenly yelled that out, proud and excited. akaashi hasn't answered yet but bokuto looks just as confident as before.

he moves without regard to anything. pushing the cardboard box away, the bowls of ramen spill across the floor, but neither of them pay any mind. akaashi puts a hand behind bokuto's neck, another rests gently on his thigh. he steadies himself with one knee. bokuto keeps both hands on his face. the two of them take a moment to breath in the moment. let the passion fill their lungs before akaashi is asking,

"can i kiss you?"

he doesn't waste one moment when bokuto says yes.

akaashi's eyes flutter closed. he's afraid if he keeps them open, catches a glimpse of bokuto, he'll panic.

but it feels so easy. akaashi hasn't once kissed anyone in his life. but bokuto quickly takes lead, somehow shows him what to do. akaashi follows after and it feels right so he keeps doing it.

he's breathless by the end of it and takes a moment to press his forehead against bokuto's.

"you spilled soup everywhere," bokuto breaks the buzzing air around them. akaashi laughs and knocks his head lightly against bokuto's.

he isn't ready to open his eyes. but bokuto removes one hand from his face and takes hold of akaashi's hand on his thigh. bokuto begins to kiss his fingertips, his shaking fingertips. akaashi opens his eyes and hums in curiosity.

"back in your first year, when i told you that you are a lot more then just shaky hands," bokuto kisses his open palm. "i wasn't lying. i could tell you didn't believe me."

akaashi frowns, "most people look at me and that's all they see."

bokuto hums and moves to kiss the back of akaashi's hand. "most people don't matter. akaashi, who really matters to you?"

he doesn't even have to think for a second before answering with, "you."

"and i've already told you what i think of you, hm? so why are you so afraid? if no one else matters, why are you so concerned with what they think?"

akaashi thinks about it for a second but his face turns sour and he gives bokuto a stern look. "when did you get so smart? you're using logic! i don't like it!"

"hey!" bokuto gasps and begins laughing. which causes akaashi to start laughing, and they fall into a laughing fit. both still high on affection from earlier.

bokuto grabs akaashi's elbow and tugs him into another kiss. soft, steady, still. he's firm against akaashi, and the second year hums sweetly into the kiss. he realizes, he's smiling against bokuto's mouth. and it almost feels impossible to kiss him with how stretched his lips are but bokuto manages to do it well and make it feel like heaven.

akaashi pushes his hands through bokuto's hair and thinks _i'm going to get better._ his fingernails scratch lightly against bokuto's scalp and he thinks _we can do this._ bokuto shivers against him and akaashi thinks _i'm so in love with him._

**Author's Note:**

> it got a little sloppy at the end but hey, it worked out so sue me. 
> 
> hope you enjoyed reading :) this is the first fic i have been able to finish since march, i have over 200 drafts haha. 
> 
> originally i had a sad ending for this, so maybe a sequel ?? 
> 
> where to find me;  
> twitter : jjustjjay  
> tiktok : jaybutweeb  
> discord : justjay#4512


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